There are a lot of things I didn't like about this poem... the flow seemed to changed off and on. But I wanted to work on my alternating line/rhyme scheme a bit and tried to do it under 30 minutes as an exercise, if you will. It was also written a few months back, so I confess it's not as 'mature' as I'd like it to be. Ah, well.
Stuck within the parallel disdain of a laughter,
Hidden by a comfort grin,
Still lives the pain of flipping through the chapter,
Slowly eternity, grips a time within my past,
Count the seconds turn to hours,
As my prison bars eagerly slip out from my grasp.
Insanity is my requiem; mystery a chain,
Distant parries of misery, no excuse,
For the hatred that recoils within the pain,
Ironic - a pebble between my fingers,
Whilst a boulder sprains against my ankle,
No choice for being stuck, thus a taste of solace still yet lingers,
A busted lip, a splinter against my hand,
Yet again covered by an article -
You see me, as I walk a happy man,
What it is to be stuck in between the earth and its abyss,
Would never show within these episodes,
In which the script predictably revolves around fake bliss.
The veins push out, the muscles twist, searching for a way
To escape this pain of prison angst,
One situation equals vanity, "and so to God we pray".
The climb of my life, one conflict to another,
No answers, just questions,
Stuck again with this clutter.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! I don't think we've met before... I'm Gahks (that's pronounced 'garks'); pleased to meet you!
You use a lot of passives in this poem; this is associated with telling. Turn the constructions around and make them active; that way, they'll be far more effective. Look at my example, taking the first stanza:
The pain of flipping through the chapter (is this a book metaphor? I assume it is)
Lies hidden behind a comfort grin,
Stuck within the parallel disdain of laughter,
Eternity suffocates a time within my past, (conveys the image more effectively)
I count the seconds turning to hours, (makes more sense)
As my prison bars slip out from my grasp. ('eagerly' is dead weight, doesn't add anything)
Similarly:
Yet again articles cover these wounds
By making these phrases active, we're showing the audience what is happening, thus putting them right in the speaker's shoes, instead of being cold, detached observers. Once you start to understand how glib and emotionally limiting telling is, you've already solved many of your problems!
The rhyme scheme is fine and you don't need to worry about rhythm - it doesn't need any work at all. This is a great poem with lots of potential - well done!
Gahks
8/10
Hello. Yeah, so I'm a stickler for rhythm and rhyme and I am really glad I chose your poem today to revise. HA HA, bringing back old memories is a plus.
Keep in mind all I am editing is for rhythm and for rhyme.....
1.) If you are trying for consistency, you've missed. Every stanza takes part in a completely new rhythm. The first two stanza's first lines have rhythms that are COMPLETELY individual to one another. The second and third stanza's first lines are somewhat close, but they feel like the verse of one another and a few syllables off and the last stanza can not even be compared to any of them. But those are just the first lines...all the other ones are independent of another with no distinct rhythm at all throughout the poem. Personally, I don't think many poets can accomplish rhythm in poetry unless they purposely have a rhythm in mind.
2.) Rhyming scheme was solid
Congrats, thanks for the read.
To tell you the truth, this didn't really seemed to be broken up to me at all. I guess because it seemed so much like a short story, which was really cool. I liked this 1 a lot!